A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
kids & teachers hate me!!!!!!!!!!!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school !!!!!
But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.
Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.
Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!’
Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.
Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the
Principal!!!
Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school !!!!!
But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.
Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.
Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!’
Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.
Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the
Principal!!!
God's definition of time
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
Computer Excuses
Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden)
greenpeace free'd the mallocs
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
According to Microsoft, it's by design
Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
overflow error in /dev/null
Zombie processess detected, machine is haunted.
Trojan horse ran out of hay
Hash table has woodworm
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
Hot Java has gone cold
sticky bit has come loose
crop circles in the corn shell
Daemon escaped from pentagram
Internet shut down due to maintainance
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
error: one bad user found in front of screen
Borg nanites have infested the server
Borg implants are failing
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
Temporal anomaly
Firmware update in the coffee machine
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
stop bit received
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
It's not RFC-822 compliant.
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
Domain controler not responding
Feature was not beta tested
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.
We're out of slots on the server
Maintence window broken
tachyon emissions overloading the system
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
Route flapping at the NAP.
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
greenpeace free'd the mallocs
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
According to Microsoft, it's by design
Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
overflow error in /dev/null
Zombie processess detected, machine is haunted.
Trojan horse ran out of hay
Hash table has woodworm
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
Hot Java has gone cold
sticky bit has come loose
crop circles in the corn shell
Daemon escaped from pentagram
Internet shut down due to maintainance
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
error: one bad user found in front of screen
Borg nanites have infested the server
Borg implants are failing
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
Temporal anomaly
Firmware update in the coffee machine
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
stop bit received
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
It's not RFC-822 compliant.
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
Domain controler not responding
Feature was not beta tested
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.
We're out of slots on the server
Maintence window broken
tachyon emissions overloading the system
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
Route flapping at the NAP.
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
Police Excuses ...
I'm sorry officer...i was going down the hill and didnt realize that my foot was still on the gas pedal...causing me to speed.
when you get pulled over for going through a red light say "im sorry officer, i thought it was a christmas decoration"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are not other cars around, that's how far ahead they are!
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar wasn’t plugged in.
I was speeding to to get you to notice me so we could exchange numbers!!( 4 speeding tickets)
(For American's caught speeding in Canada...) What's a kilometer?
sorry officer well you see what happened is when i reached for my crack pipe my gun fell off my lap getting lodged under the gas pedal forcing me to speed out of control
"But Officer, I couldn't have been driving 60 miles per hour in a 35 miles per hour zone. I haven't been driving for an hour!" A true excuse by a little old lady.
Ooh officer i'd love to wear ur handcuffs for awhile but...i really have to get home! my husband is going to find my lover locked in the basement
Please ociffer, i swear to drunk im not god.
Sorry Officer, i ran over a banana peel
OOOOhh your a policeman?!?!? I thought you were just another speeder!!! I was trying to get away so you didnt hit me!
Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal (For speeding tickets)
If I was speeding, you probably where speeding to catch me, so how bout we forget abut the whole thing!
I'm sorry I was speeding officer but I have diarrhea.
So that’s what those signs are there for.
(Running a stop sign) I’m sorry officer; I thought the sign said POTS. (Dyslexic)
I'm sorry, Officer, but my child has to use the bathroom
when you get pulled over for going through a red light say "im sorry officer, i thought it was a christmas decoration"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are not other cars around, that's how far ahead they are!
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar wasn’t plugged in.
I was speeding to to get you to notice me so we could exchange numbers!!( 4 speeding tickets)
(For American's caught speeding in Canada...) What's a kilometer?
sorry officer well you see what happened is when i reached for my crack pipe my gun fell off my lap getting lodged under the gas pedal forcing me to speed out of control
"But Officer, I couldn't have been driving 60 miles per hour in a 35 miles per hour zone. I haven't been driving for an hour!" A true excuse by a little old lady.
Ooh officer i'd love to wear ur handcuffs for awhile but...i really have to get home! my husband is going to find my lover locked in the basement
Please ociffer, i swear to drunk im not god.
Sorry Officer, i ran over a banana peel
OOOOhh your a policeman?!?!? I thought you were just another speeder!!! I was trying to get away so you didnt hit me!
Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal (For speeding tickets)
If I was speeding, you probably where speeding to catch me, so how bout we forget abut the whole thing!
I'm sorry I was speeding officer but I have diarrhea.
So that’s what those signs are there for.
(Running a stop sign) I’m sorry officer; I thought the sign said POTS. (Dyslexic)
I'm sorry, Officer, but my child has to use the bathroom
award winning joke.......
MBA and a Bcom go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the B COM wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The B COM student is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the B COM wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The B COM student is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent
how to ask ur boss a salary increase....
HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
manager
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
manager
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